Attachments and Suffering
i have experienced the suffering of deep attachment but its totally wrong to say that attachments give us sufferings.
infact its the opposite attachments help us thrive "Transformation happens inside attachment" when we are attached to someone then we learn and grow with them we care for them we gain all the values when we are involved with someone, most importantly we start being selfless which is the root for love.
i had a really bad idea on "love" even though i have experienced the feeling of love in its pure form. after being afflicted due to attachment towards someone and during the process of resolving my doubts about love and attachment, i found out that i have turned my love into clinging unnoticeably while i was in a relationship with my boyfriend and that's completely a wrong thing to do to ur partner.
The difference between love vs Clinging could easily be understood from the open hand theory
The theory says when we hold sand in our hand and when we start to fist the sand escapes but when u hold sand and just keep hand open the sand stays there - its a metaphoric way of describing that when we show our comforting feelings to someone and give them the freedom and keeping our hand open without keeping any sort of restrictions on that person and respecting their choices is truly "Love".
on the other hand if we just keep restriction, donot give them freedom and try to control our partner its clinging and its not love at all. A person can start clinging when they are blind to the reality that change is certain to happen in any relationship but when we dont accept that change u start to cling and control and crave for that person and the more you do that the faster the person would want to let you go. this is the point where we might end up suffering badly.
during the process i saw that fear of loosing him was very much challenging i was scared and really wanted him but this is not love its clinging. To over come that observe the fear instead of fighting for it, Without trying to escape it Understand yourself deeply-When there is true love, there is no holding, no possession, no demand Only care and freedom, If someone stays, let them stay freely, If they leave, see whether love can exist without clinging
Healthy attachment accepts change. Clinging rejects change. so i learnt my imp lesson that i shouldnt have been clinging like that and i did do smtg to makeup to my mistake.
And wait...? change is certain to happen? yes i was shocked to learn that a person who vowed to never let you go all his life can fall out of love is def possible at some stage and it can happen with anyone ( its a natural thing) since a relationship cant be at a same phase always it grows circumstances occur.
its heart breaking for the person who is keenly investing in the relationship while the other person is falling out of love. (i have been there as a sad one) there were signs of him being uninterested which i ignored caz i was just clinging over.
in such scenarios where your partner is falling out of love all you have to do is 'communicate' and respect their decision!
While i was exploring this felt unfair to me the fact that even though if i had loved them with open hand without clinging they just leave me. after putting somuch of energy and efforts and giving that person a special place in your life. all this can break the person mentally in a severe way.
I started to read more and more to find out solution for these problems then i learnt that we as human should dont be dependent on others for anything (this the attachment people talk about the insecure attachment - anxious attachment or avoidant attachment or disorganised attachment is the cause for suffuring) so we must never have these attachments with anyone ever that would be the first step
Learn to be complete by your own self, You must be fine with living your life all alone. Be at a state where you are full by yourself and happy with and without having a partner. this is where u will not have to expect anything form your partner. Its not like you cant have any needs at all, its fine to have a few needs but also you shouldn't be very much disturbed when the needs arent fulfilled along the way its imp that fear(of loosing someone), control, dependency aren't love they just make us suffer. Love someone deeply but do not make them the reason we exist Let them stay and feel the love bcaz they chose you.
Another imp factor that causes suffering is "ego" or "thinking about oneself" while in a relationship dont think about u, wt u get, wt you gain from this relationship its not a business deal be selfless and love, you will be very happy.
The death of ego is rise of love so i started reading about how to get rid of ego then i came across a technique of Ego Dropping we can reduce our ego by stopping to think about our own self. "dropping the self concern" and doing things with a nature of serving others instead of thinking about Ur self - this will humble you enough to not have ego here is the complete guide for ego dropping and this will lead you to a more mindful, peaceful and happy life.
Imagine doing your best and getting betrayed by your partner that means its imp to also know that who you are choosing. In the honeymoon phase of any relationship its easy to build closeness due to the curiosity to know more about each other we are excited and after a long time passes when things have got usual and talking or doing smtg for your partner feels like a chore or a responsibility its quite difficult to maintain the closeness that is when the efforts matter more.
Closeness can only be maintained through showing empathy and addressing it to your partner. Instead of showing empathy the emotionally unintelligent partner tend to show sympathy or shame her for being concerned and showing feelings. caz its not matching with him and hes no more entertained enough with her feelings. Emotionally unintelligent partner can build closeness but cant sustain it, they get overwhelmed and break her heart. So its very much imp to choose an emotionally available partner. learn more about emotional intelligence
One of the Brahma viharas which is essential to develop in us is uppekha - (or equanimity) is the Buddhist virtue of unwavering mental balance, stability, and calm. It is the practice of remaining completely centered amidst life's dualities—such as gain and loss, praise and blame—without being swayed by ego, craving, or aversion.
Concluding: The real enemy is Not attachment. Instead:
Grasping Trying to hold on too tightly.
Clinging Refusing to let life change.
Craving Needing someone in order to feel okay.
Control Trying to control another person.
Expectations Thinking "They should behave like this." instead of accepting who they really are.
Ignoring impermanence Everything changes. People change. Friendships change. Relationships change. Life changes. Suffering begins when we pretend they won't.
The suffering can be healed through mindfulness and practicing it regularly. To Practice mindfulness